The Power of the Follow-up Question

I've recently discovered that virtually no one asks me how I am doing anymore. My friend, Carol, does occasionally, as does my mother, but it really ends there.  Of course, "Hi, how are you?" is a social nicety question that is rhetorical in nature.  If you are not going to respond with "fine", no one wants to hear you.  I remember in my heart failure days when I would have to go to the grocery store because I didn't have any food in the house, I dreaded checking out.  There would always be the grocery clerk there having to ask me how I was.  I tried to fake it, but some days were just so bad that I would mumble "Fine" with tears running down my face.  No one really wanted to know, but they had to ask, and I just couldn't ignore them.  That seemed ruder than crying.

So when most people ask how you are they really don't mean it.  I ask the social nicety question too, but when asking friends I actually do mean it.  I'm interested in what they have to say.  If somethings happened, good, bad or whatever, I'm interested in what has happened to them.  I usually ask a few questions to get the details and understand how they felt about the situation.  I don't think about it at all. It's not a conscious decision. I'm interested, and I care.  I've always been this way.  I connect.  It's what I do.  And people talk to me.  They tell me things all the time.  But connecting with other people is not the same thing as having them want to connect with you.

I've felt very alone in the past few months.  I was sick for a while with an illness I didn't know I had.  When you are that sick and tired, the fact that you don't have a partner to count on hits home.  I also had to plan a vacation by myself.  That makes you realize how partner-less you are too.  These things can make you feel very alone but it's more than that.

I realized that what I want is for someone to ask me how I am doing, and then take it that one step further.  What I want is for someone to ask the follow-up question.  I want someone to want to connect to me.  I don't dream of a man that makes lots of money, buys me expensive things, or spends all his time with me.  None of that matters to me in the slightest.  I just want to have someone that is interested enough in staying connected to me that he regularly asks me follow-up questions.  Not every day, not every time, but enough.  It's that powerful and that simple.